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MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE
There are many misconceptions about divorce that should be
dispelled. First, regardless of your own point of view, divorce is a fact of
contemporary American society. 43% of first marriages will end in divorce.
Although undergoing a divorce can be very painful for both parents and children,
there are a great many ways this pain can be alleviated. One important function
of divorce in our society and in Colorado is to act as a safety valve for
marriages that simply no longer work for the families regardless of the
reason–whether it be due to abuse or one parties’ growth in an entirely
different direction, health reasons, incompatibility or other reasons. For many
people it is preferable to endure the temporary pain of the divorce than the
permanent pain of a bad marriage.
Unfortunately, there is a cultural lag in our societal
conceptions about divorce. These misconceptions are harmful to anyone affected
by divorce. Despite the reality, our societal view remains that the nuclear
family and lifelong monogamous marriages are the only viable family model. Our
society continues to cling to the erroneous belief that families can not exist
outside of marriage.
The most common misconceptions (according to Ahrons, C.R.
We’re Family. New York: Harper Collins 2004) are:
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1. Parents
should stay married for the sake
of the kids. - This message
pervades our culture and is
based on the assumption that
marriage is good for children
and divorce bad. This message
also insinuates that parents who
divorce are immature, selfish
(and those who stay married are
not). The truth is a bit more
complex. Questions parents
should ask themselves when
considering divorce (and
weighing what’s best for their
children) are:
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Are you so depressed, hurt and angry in your marriage
that you are unable to parent your children as effectively as you might?
-
Is the home atmosphere unhealthy for your children
because you and your spouse have such a distant relationship?
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Are you and or your spouse modeling a poor example
for your children of respect, compassion and interest in one another?
-
What will be the financial consequences of divorce on
your children?
- These questions can just as easily apply if you have no children.
2. “Adult children of divorce” are destined to have lifelong problems. - This label
“adult children of divorce” is stigmatizing. In truth, the vast majority of
children whose parents divorce grow up to lead responsible, happy, successful
lives. Their ability to handle adult life, career, relationships, marriage and
parenthood itself is determined more by their own temperament, relationship with
their siblings, their parent’s relationship during marriage and after, than by
the fact of divorce.
3. Divorce means you are no longer a family. - This inaccurate and misleading
message that divorce ruins families harms not only the children but also the
parents as it totally disregards the ways families can be successfully
rearranged after divorce. The majority of divorces do not result in family
breakdown. The form of a particular family will change, but it need not change
the way children think and feel about the significant relationships within their
families. And it may well relieve the stress of living in a household with
little real communication and/or a high level of conflict between the parents.
4. Divorce leaves children without a father. - This may be true for a minority of
fathers, but it leaves out the majority who continue to have loving
relationships with their children and continue to contribute financially to
raising the children.
5. Ex-spouses can not get along. - Actually, many divorced parents are cooperative
and effective co-parents.
6. Divorce turns everyone into ex-family, in-laws become estranged. - Although the
kinship between divorced spouses and their in-laws is legally terminated,
meaningful relationships often continue.
7. Stepparents resent real parents.
- Nearly 85% of children with divorced parents
will have a stepparent at some point. The reality is step-parents can have
close, nurturing relationships with their step-children and provide another
caring adult in their lives.
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For many people it is
preferable to endure the
temporary pain of the
divorce than the
permanent pain of a bad
marriage. |
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